Thursday, June 19, 2003
Today, as in the last couple of days, I have reached the realisation that my life is, and has been, filled by misery. Not just of my own but of others too. I hate the world and the people who claim ownership of it. I hate myself and most of my family. I fear that my mental stability is hanging in a knife-edge. I know that I sound like many people who direct their every day at snatching attention because they have been deprived of attention for most of their lives, but I do not care as I know for myself how I feel and no one else can tell me. The only friend in the world that I can call a true friend is Davy but we argue so much we are like two identical poles. I cannot remember a time in which I was ever accepted into any group of people. Firstly there was the stage where I used to be a part of a group of friends consisting of Davy James, Tom Yeo, Gary Gimson , etc, etc. I know many of you think that Gary is somewhat of a 'gimp', this label deriving from the uncanny similarity of the word to his name. You people are fools and have most likely been influenced by social programming wereby one person with high social acclaim decides it nessecary to lable a person he hardly knows and has judged him/her on the basis of something ludicrous lilke clothing or speech, which shows no representation of the character or personality of said person. Others, who percieve this person as an idol and find it difficult to think for themselves, have their opinions twisted and distorted by this foolish person's sermons of the victim and therefore there are, without warning, harmful rumours and banter circulating around the complex hieracichal matrix of minds that cannot think for themselves and make assumptions based on other people's malresearched views. Gary Gimson is a very good man. Anyone who can call him a friend would be very lucky indeed. He is one of the people who is different, who can think for himself, form his own opinions after considering both sides of the argument. Anyway, as I was saying, I started off with the group of friends, in which I strained myself to be an official part of. I tried to be part of the childhood 'sect': 'The N64 gang', but, despite my efforts I never felt as accepted as the other members even though I was a member when it was just me and Davy. Then Davy did 'beat up' my sister. I did not hear the full story as Kate, my sister, is a mouthy bitch who cannot grasp the impossible task of letting anyone else input their argument whatsoever. The result being a very messed-up with story that points EVERYTHING in her favour, makes her look like a god(ess) and everyone else like scum. I, ingnorant of the full story, did shout umpteen piles of abuse at Davy which he really did not deserve. This, effectively, ended the friendship which had been effective for more then eight years. In turn, I was ostrisized from the group of chums and went into a three year stretch of reclusive exile in which I did not leave the house for anything other than school and food. This is why many people were under the impression that I had moved away, I noticed the arrival to this assumption when I saw a girl that I had not seen over the duration of this reclusive stretch, who proclaimed 'I haven't seen you for years!!!' and questioned my whereabouts when she asked 'Didn't you move to Builth or something?' No, the answer is that I was a complete loner for three years and had no friends during this time bar my thousands of fluffy toys and games. Because of this, I developed a complex in which I cannot relate to anyone in anyway. The essence of what I am saying is that, in a situation where there are people who do not know, I cannot act myself or befriend them in anyway as my social skills are next to nothing. This is revealed ten times over when it comes to meeting girls, especially girls that I am attracted to. Where as many males would come back from nights saying how they kissed passionately with the girl that they have been persuing for a considerably small time, I would not return with no stories at all as I do not have the confidence or social experience to know what the hell to do.
I next went into a group of people who seem to enjoy wasting their lives, taking drugs everyday and getting pissed. This was handy as in most cases as they were too off their faces to realise that I was the most uncomfortable person in the room, nay, the building. And so it was that I joined in binjing on drugs everyday, going out and getting stoned, pissed and basically just completely fucked on every other drug available. Although I felt accepted by many of the more grown up members of the faculty, the younger members seemed indorsed in the 'rudeboy' seen, which is very much devoted to mixing and stratching drum and bass and acting like they are the most fashionable humans in the world. This display of valour mainly revolved around the mocking of others for cheap laughs and to make themselves look more appealable. In the long run they were just a bunch of complete wankers who had no compassion or empathy for fellow man. I felt their offensive comments and weak, empty insults very hurtful and they managed to pierce my emotions in a considerable way. I discontinued my association with that thread and continued to be my own friend. I tried long and hard to make new allies and aquaintances but I always found some excuse to end my efforts, most commonly being that I was always under the impression that their words were not reflective of their thoughts.
I still look strenuously to be accepted into some friendly group of people where I know that I can be myself and not have to worry about being discriminated for it. The only problem is that I have spent so long pretending to be something that I am not that I am unable to identify my true character. I look at others and the way that they glide through my most impossible task of having many friends and knowing that they are being straight with them and feel over-taken by envy. I find myself trying to be these people, trying to gain what they have so easily through impersonating their methods. I try my best to be as nice and polite and what I think society would accept but for some reason, maybe based around the fact that I am just me, no one can ever seem to befriend me like I would be so willing to befriend them. I do not know why I am so repulsive and I do not know why I care so much. As, I said I hate the world and everything it.
My main reason for hating people is that no one, themselves, really seem to be able to act like themsevles. Although they will act themselves, they will act themselves in the exact same way as everyone else. For example, there are many sects and cults that are dedicated to being fashionable in their own way. Some prime examples of these include
'Gothic'; where people clothe in black and worship satan,
'Punk'; a very strong scene in Llandrindod where everyone tries their hardest to be EXACTLY what is displayed in American Pie and other cheesy, dreamy, happy, unrealistic, american movies,
'Skater-boys'; tied into the punk scene, where skaters make out that it is all to do with wearing 'skater' clothes, listening to punk music and saying 'duuuuuuude' after everything. Sure, I skate, I even say 'duuuuude' (when I am drunk) but I do not assign a fashion statement to it. I wear any clothes that I can find in the wardrobe and if anyone sees that as unfashionable then said people can fuck themselves.
I wish that I could find some people that can act themselves, express what they are feeling, their thoughts, their desires, without being judged for thinking what they want to think. For example if I was to tell anyone in the group of people that I have joined Seb in associating with that I....well most things in this post, which I am sure they will get round to reading, they would judge me so harshly based on the fact that I not been popular with other people. They would not take the time to get to know me as a person, they would decide that I have been umpopular most of my life, denoting that I am not a person that they should be seen with. If they were to express that they, in their opinion, that a guy is attractive FROM ANOTHER MALE'S PERCPECTIVE, they would be called homosexual or the like.
I cannot stand human beings. They are evil. Everything in the world of a 16 year old has a foundation of falseness. The world revolves around pleasing others. Not in a charitable way, but in a fashionable way. Infact, most cases are completely void of charity, with abuse hurled in every direction and personal insults designed to make them look bad enough to make the insulters look good. This is why there is SO much insulting. It takes such a great deal of effort to make someone who transmits aspersions to everyone look good than those who receive them.
I went out to 'The Llanerch' yesterday. It was not my scene at all. I felt like a sore thumb. Moreover, there was one person in particular, who I consider to be a very annoying human being. There were several others that I could not tolerate as an addition. The only person that I could put up with was Sebastian. The rest were just annoying. Kate was ok, of course that Fleur girl was very ok because, well....work it out for yourself! As I said earlier, however, I could not generate the acost to make anything happen between us. She was very hard to decifer and I am just too...something or other. The essence of what I am trying to say is that I felt extremely uncomfortable and paranoid. I felt like an anomily. And I feel that I will never find anyone that I can relate to in the way that I wish to through out the course of my life. However, I feel that Seb is very much like me and I can say pretty much anything to him except my deepest darkest secrets and he we will have a lengtht discussion about how he feels the same, different in what way. I think that the friendship that Seb and I share is quite unique. Anyone similar to the people described throughout this blog are going to jump to the conclusion that I am talking about something homosexual or am indeed homosexual myself. I would just like to clear up that anyone, male anyones mostly, who are thinking that must be one of the people that can't stand the thought of another male touching him in anyway because he is afraid to come to the realisation that he is gay and is absolutely uncomfortable with his sexuality. The night was tipped off with an extremely nasty situation where my fool of a mother came looking for me at 1am because I had an exam, shouted very clearly that I should get in the car NOW, which invoked the inclination of laughter from everyone (except Seb which I appreciated verily). I am 16, I now longer have to answer to my mother or obey any of her rules, infact I think that it is time for me to move into a place of my own because, quite frankly, I cannot stand the sight, sound or vibe from my mother. She seems to be changing into a bitter old-lady, which is painful as she used to be a very easy-going person who would not stress over anything and everything. I cannot stand to have a mother of such embarrassment to herself and me. For fuck sake! I cannot take much more of her fucking shit! She told me that I am not going to Stone Henge and that I am fucking grounded!!! Fuck that shit! I am no longer under the obligation to have to abide by her rules. For staying out until 1:00am, I am not going to an event which happens once a year, which she wants to go to as much as me. After telling her that I am going to the pub, from that, though the pub shuts at 12:00am, I would deduce that I am not going to be home early. The time at which I was out was not even that late. Well, it was a very humiliating experience which does not contribute nicely to my low level of self-esteem.
I feel that it is time to stop unloading my problems into this post but I do not want to stop as I will just fall helplessly into the endless black hole of boredom that I can never escape from. I will stop anyway. Thank you for reading if you have. I will post again soon.
I next went into a group of people who seem to enjoy wasting their lives, taking drugs everyday and getting pissed. This was handy as in most cases as they were too off their faces to realise that I was the most uncomfortable person in the room, nay, the building. And so it was that I joined in binjing on drugs everyday, going out and getting stoned, pissed and basically just completely fucked on every other drug available. Although I felt accepted by many of the more grown up members of the faculty, the younger members seemed indorsed in the 'rudeboy' seen, which is very much devoted to mixing and stratching drum and bass and acting like they are the most fashionable humans in the world. This display of valour mainly revolved around the mocking of others for cheap laughs and to make themselves look more appealable. In the long run they were just a bunch of complete wankers who had no compassion or empathy for fellow man. I felt their offensive comments and weak, empty insults very hurtful and they managed to pierce my emotions in a considerable way. I discontinued my association with that thread and continued to be my own friend. I tried long and hard to make new allies and aquaintances but I always found some excuse to end my efforts, most commonly being that I was always under the impression that their words were not reflective of their thoughts.
I still look strenuously to be accepted into some friendly group of people where I know that I can be myself and not have to worry about being discriminated for it. The only problem is that I have spent so long pretending to be something that I am not that I am unable to identify my true character. I look at others and the way that they glide through my most impossible task of having many friends and knowing that they are being straight with them and feel over-taken by envy. I find myself trying to be these people, trying to gain what they have so easily through impersonating their methods. I try my best to be as nice and polite and what I think society would accept but for some reason, maybe based around the fact that I am just me, no one can ever seem to befriend me like I would be so willing to befriend them. I do not know why I am so repulsive and I do not know why I care so much. As, I said I hate the world and everything it.
My main reason for hating people is that no one, themselves, really seem to be able to act like themsevles. Although they will act themselves, they will act themselves in the exact same way as everyone else. For example, there are many sects and cults that are dedicated to being fashionable in their own way. Some prime examples of these include
'Gothic'; where people clothe in black and worship satan,
'Punk'; a very strong scene in Llandrindod where everyone tries their hardest to be EXACTLY what is displayed in American Pie and other cheesy, dreamy, happy, unrealistic, american movies,
'Skater-boys'; tied into the punk scene, where skaters make out that it is all to do with wearing 'skater' clothes, listening to punk music and saying 'duuuuuuude' after everything. Sure, I skate, I even say 'duuuuude' (when I am drunk) but I do not assign a fashion statement to it. I wear any clothes that I can find in the wardrobe and if anyone sees that as unfashionable then said people can fuck themselves.
I wish that I could find some people that can act themselves, express what they are feeling, their thoughts, their desires, without being judged for thinking what they want to think. For example if I was to tell anyone in the group of people that I have joined Seb in associating with that I....well most things in this post, which I am sure they will get round to reading, they would judge me so harshly based on the fact that I not been popular with other people. They would not take the time to get to know me as a person, they would decide that I have been umpopular most of my life, denoting that I am not a person that they should be seen with. If they were to express that they, in their opinion, that a guy is attractive FROM ANOTHER MALE'S PERCPECTIVE, they would be called homosexual or the like.
I cannot stand human beings. They are evil. Everything in the world of a 16 year old has a foundation of falseness. The world revolves around pleasing others. Not in a charitable way, but in a fashionable way. Infact, most cases are completely void of charity, with abuse hurled in every direction and personal insults designed to make them look bad enough to make the insulters look good. This is why there is SO much insulting. It takes such a great deal of effort to make someone who transmits aspersions to everyone look good than those who receive them.
I went out to 'The Llanerch' yesterday. It was not my scene at all. I felt like a sore thumb. Moreover, there was one person in particular, who I consider to be a very annoying human being. There were several others that I could not tolerate as an addition. The only person that I could put up with was Sebastian. The rest were just annoying. Kate was ok, of course that Fleur girl was very ok because, well....work it out for yourself! As I said earlier, however, I could not generate the acost to make anything happen between us. She was very hard to decifer and I am just too...something or other. The essence of what I am trying to say is that I felt extremely uncomfortable and paranoid. I felt like an anomily. And I feel that I will never find anyone that I can relate to in the way that I wish to through out the course of my life. However, I feel that Seb is very much like me and I can say pretty much anything to him except my deepest darkest secrets and he we will have a lengtht discussion about how he feels the same, different in what way. I think that the friendship that Seb and I share is quite unique. Anyone similar to the people described throughout this blog are going to jump to the conclusion that I am talking about something homosexual or am indeed homosexual myself. I would just like to clear up that anyone, male anyones mostly, who are thinking that must be one of the people that can't stand the thought of another male touching him in anyway because he is afraid to come to the realisation that he is gay and is absolutely uncomfortable with his sexuality. The night was tipped off with an extremely nasty situation where my fool of a mother came looking for me at 1am because I had an exam, shouted very clearly that I should get in the car NOW, which invoked the inclination of laughter from everyone (except Seb which I appreciated verily). I am 16, I now longer have to answer to my mother or obey any of her rules, infact I think that it is time for me to move into a place of my own because, quite frankly, I cannot stand the sight, sound or vibe from my mother. She seems to be changing into a bitter old-lady, which is painful as she used to be a very easy-going person who would not stress over anything and everything. I cannot stand to have a mother of such embarrassment to herself and me. For fuck sake! I cannot take much more of her fucking shit! She told me that I am not going to Stone Henge and that I am fucking grounded!!! Fuck that shit! I am no longer under the obligation to have to abide by her rules. For staying out until 1:00am, I am not going to an event which happens once a year, which she wants to go to as much as me. After telling her that I am going to the pub, from that, though the pub shuts at 12:00am, I would deduce that I am not going to be home early. The time at which I was out was not even that late. Well, it was a very humiliating experience which does not contribute nicely to my low level of self-esteem.
I feel that it is time to stop unloading my problems into this post but I do not want to stop as I will just fall helplessly into the endless black hole of boredom that I can never escape from. I will stop anyway. Thank you for reading if you have. I will post again soon.
Tuesday, June 17, 2003
(Tuesday 10rd June 2003) Today is yesterday. There is no seperator between today and the previous day due to a simple fact: I did not sleep last night. I stayed up ALL night drinking coffee and talking, (of what, I cannot remember) till the crack of dawn with a very good friend, Sebastian. It was a strange night. I arrived at his house at a time close to 1:50am. The night started off quite smoothly until we started talking about fucked up dreams and some old program that is longer aired called 'Strange But True', a series dedicated to terrifying people with stories of poltegists and ghouls. This was at 2:00am, EVERYONE was asleep, everything was quiet. Nothing stirred outside, it was truely harrowing. The conversation drifted from there to talks of french girls, bitches and 'The girl' who everyone who knows me will know the identity of. We sat there, drinking coffee in the kitchen. A lot of the words exchanged that night are shrouded in mystery and 'cantrememberance'. We made pancakes in the morning, I mean the late morning (about 4:30am(ish)). Mmmmm, they were some damn fine pancakes, the only problem was that the dishwasher had failed to clean the plate that was to contain my pancakes and when it came to the last pancake, the one in contact with the plate, I was suprised to find that it tasted uncannily like garlic. I looked a little closer to see that there were indeed pieces of garlic left on the plate. It was revolting and a fete that I strongly recommend against, being an abomination against pancakes. The morning seemed to creep up so slowly but when it actually came, we were completely oblivious to see that it was getting lighter until we could see a considerable amount of day.
Took a walk at about 5:30am, down to Lover's Leap. Me and Seb had a nice, hearthy game of 'catch' whereby, the players must throw the ball back and forth to each other and catch it. I know you know that but I just felt like telling you anyway. Then, after we had noticed that there were severel cows and bulls advancing with their calfs on our position, we turned to a more sinister game of 'Throw stones at the cows' whereby the contenders must hurl small stones at cows until they make a charge and we have to run away, desperately. It was quite boring however, as no matter how many stones hit the cows, they REALLY didn't give a fuck and just made a wierd 'grrrunch' noise and took no notice. We ran away anyway.
The morning was quite fantastic actually. The sun made a guest appearance along side with blue-sky and rocky cliff - Lover's Leap. We lay on the somewhat unwelcoming rock (in the sense that it stuck many jagged fingers into every part of my body), and went to sleep. It was really quite spectular. Everyone else was getting up for school, red-eyed (not in the way you are thinking) and groggy, and we were there enjoying the more essential things in life...lying on a rock in the sun. Unfortunately, the sun kept getting horribly smothered by thick, dense, black clouds and it went cold for that time, in which I could not sleep. While doing this, me and Seb could not help but call everything dodgy, after the laugh we had over 'Dodgy Rob' when kaned one time. There were many, many dodgy things being named. The list is as follows:
1/ Dodgy John - A bloke that lives two doors away, who really isn't that dodgy but we just decided that he is for the sake of being fucking childish.
2/ Dodgy Sun - The name of the sun, ironically.
3/ Dodgy Moon - A VERY simple variation of the Dodgy Sun. This one sounded particularly dodgy so there were extra laughs to be had.
5/ Dodgy Gone - The milk was gone. In the desperate attempt to make something good out of it, Seb exclaimed 'The milk is Dodgy Gone!'
4/ Dodgy Life - I don't know what the hell this is, Seb came out with it when it started getting OTT.
5/ Dodgy Time - VERY similar to the 'Life' one, the inspiration and thought are identical.
6/ Dodgy Clouds - Of course, these were the clouds that kept rudely interrupting the Sun's greatness.
7/ Dodgy Seb - This one speaks for itself, I think.
8/ Dodgy Cow - This is a result of all the hype with the cows.
9/ Dodgy Tree - This was said only once, I think. I don't know where it came from nor who said it.
10/ Dodgy Jess - Well...um...hmm, she always crops up somewhere :( She is fucking dodgy though.
11/ Dodgy EVERYTHING - Well....this goes without saying.
12/ A personal favourite of mine: Llandrindodge - HARHARHAR!!! What else can be said to such brilliance?
13/ Dodgy Dodgy - Hmm, what can I say?
14/ Dodgy River - Oh come on, we were by a river!!!
There are also a few other 'Dodgies' that have yet to be named. These are all from the film Aladdin, great film, Disney classic.
1/ Dodgy Sultan - This is from the notion that the Sultan, when hypnotised by Jafar, looks and acts REALLY kaned. His eyes are like saucers, which suggests that maybe the stuff he had been 'sampling' was pretty darn strong.
2/ Dodgy Jafar - Jafar is just a dodgy geezer really, goes without saying.
3/ Dodgy Abu - Abu is SO dodgy. He could be the evil overlord of the Indian Mafia for all we know!!!
4/ Dodgy Iago (the parrot, I can't remember the name properly) - He is a real stress-head, buckles under pressure, could NEVER get the girl. He is the type of parrot to end up on slow-release morphine, I bet he has already started on the 'Karms' pills...just like the person he mirrors so well...but the ginger thing went a bit wrong and he ended up red for some exotic reason.
5/ Dodgy Genie - This street-wise bloke is ready for action. Ready to pull out the sawn-off shotgun to deal with leary crack dealers.
This was all the result of 24 hours of alertness and 3/4 cups of GOOD coffee. That doesn't beat James' record for the number of cups of coffee drank in a time limit, but he's a professional. After this, came more sleeping, followed by a quick recap of what is dodgy and what is not before heading back to Seb's house. It was around the time school starts when we got there. I happened be staring out of the window in the living-room, and who do I see but Jessica. Been a while since I saw her. Was nasty. She was all pretty and not mine and it was rather hurtful. I keep telling myself that I am over her, convince myself successfully in some cases, but there is always SOMETHING that brings it all back. You'd think that if I still cared that much after a month of not being with OR seeing her and bearing in mind that we went out for a mere month and a week(ish), that perhaps there is something a little auspious in Jess's direction. Another thing is, I just so happened to tell her that I am over her, this is quite recently, and she says something like 'I thought I would be the one that would get over you first.' How am I meant to take that? If she is not over me or WASN'T at this time why would she tell me? Is this the same thing as with me where after a month, she is still not over me...blah, blah, blah, is this a sign that we split up prematurely? I mean, there was no real stimulus for the break up in the first place...well there could have been but I'm so great, or soppy, that I didn't let it fuck things up. We split for the simple and maybe over-used excuse that 'We are too different'. But SURELY if you find someone THAT different to you...there must be something...fun, that can arise from this. Two pieces of a puzzle will go together because they are completely different, in that the concave and convex shapes are compatible. Its hard to explain but surely you can see what I am getting at. I don't know why I say this, but maybe I long for the words to make Jess come back to me :( Maybe I will see her and be able to tell this stuff. But maybe she won't listen or WILL listen but not absorb it. Anyhow...I miss her like crazy and want her back.
Enough about that, the day progressed onward. Foremost, me and my good friend Seb sat down to an hour and a half(ish) of Aladdin. It was very pleasing to the both of us to witness the Dodgy Sultan performing his stoned gaze into eternity. Half way into the duration of the film, we both fell asleep. I woke with a start, just to see the credits rolling away. Everything was moving without us, while we were encapsulated in a black hole of dreams. I had quite an appifiny, like no other, when that happened as I have never before payed a great deal of attention to the change in the world around me when I am, essentially, suspended in time.
The day went on, after sleeping for a few more minutes. There were no real occurances of hilarity during the rest of the day, but instead I wandered around as if seeking an absolution. I was in a dazed state; I felt as though I had been very wrecked the night before and had just woken up. Contrary to what would be expected, I did not feel tiresome, however, I felt a great deal of fatigue and when the day was arriving its completion, I sat down and gazed blankly at the wall for a few hours. The TV was on, but the wall seemed more interesting than a shower of electrons hitting glass.
This has been my day, I verily hope that you have enjoyed it as much as I.
Took a walk at about 5:30am, down to Lover's Leap. Me and Seb had a nice, hearthy game of 'catch' whereby, the players must throw the ball back and forth to each other and catch it. I know you know that but I just felt like telling you anyway. Then, after we had noticed that there were severel cows and bulls advancing with their calfs on our position, we turned to a more sinister game of 'Throw stones at the cows' whereby the contenders must hurl small stones at cows until they make a charge and we have to run away, desperately. It was quite boring however, as no matter how many stones hit the cows, they REALLY didn't give a fuck and just made a wierd 'grrrunch' noise and took no notice. We ran away anyway.
The morning was quite fantastic actually. The sun made a guest appearance along side with blue-sky and rocky cliff - Lover's Leap. We lay on the somewhat unwelcoming rock (in the sense that it stuck many jagged fingers into every part of my body), and went to sleep. It was really quite spectular. Everyone else was getting up for school, red-eyed (not in the way you are thinking) and groggy, and we were there enjoying the more essential things in life...lying on a rock in the sun. Unfortunately, the sun kept getting horribly smothered by thick, dense, black clouds and it went cold for that time, in which I could not sleep. While doing this, me and Seb could not help but call everything dodgy, after the laugh we had over 'Dodgy Rob' when kaned one time. There were many, many dodgy things being named. The list is as follows:
1/ Dodgy John - A bloke that lives two doors away, who really isn't that dodgy but we just decided that he is for the sake of being fucking childish.
2/ Dodgy Sun - The name of the sun, ironically.
3/ Dodgy Moon - A VERY simple variation of the Dodgy Sun. This one sounded particularly dodgy so there were extra laughs to be had.
5/ Dodgy Gone - The milk was gone. In the desperate attempt to make something good out of it, Seb exclaimed 'The milk is Dodgy Gone!'
4/ Dodgy Life - I don't know what the hell this is, Seb came out with it when it started getting OTT.
5/ Dodgy Time - VERY similar to the 'Life' one, the inspiration and thought are identical.
6/ Dodgy Clouds - Of course, these were the clouds that kept rudely interrupting the Sun's greatness.
7/ Dodgy Seb - This one speaks for itself, I think.
8/ Dodgy Cow - This is a result of all the hype with the cows.
9/ Dodgy Tree - This was said only once, I think. I don't know where it came from nor who said it.
10/ Dodgy Jess - Well...um...hmm, she always crops up somewhere :( She is fucking dodgy though.
11/ Dodgy EVERYTHING - Well....this goes without saying.
12/ A personal favourite of mine: Llandrindodge - HARHARHAR!!! What else can be said to such brilliance?
13/ Dodgy Dodgy - Hmm, what can I say?
14/ Dodgy River - Oh come on, we were by a river!!!
There are also a few other 'Dodgies' that have yet to be named. These are all from the film Aladdin, great film, Disney classic.
1/ Dodgy Sultan - This is from the notion that the Sultan, when hypnotised by Jafar, looks and acts REALLY kaned. His eyes are like saucers, which suggests that maybe the stuff he had been 'sampling' was pretty darn strong.
2/ Dodgy Jafar - Jafar is just a dodgy geezer really, goes without saying.
3/ Dodgy Abu - Abu is SO dodgy. He could be the evil overlord of the Indian Mafia for all we know!!!
4/ Dodgy Iago (the parrot, I can't remember the name properly) - He is a real stress-head, buckles under pressure, could NEVER get the girl. He is the type of parrot to end up on slow-release morphine, I bet he has already started on the 'Karms' pills...just like the person he mirrors so well...but the ginger thing went a bit wrong and he ended up red for some exotic reason.
5/ Dodgy Genie - This street-wise bloke is ready for action. Ready to pull out the sawn-off shotgun to deal with leary crack dealers.
This was all the result of 24 hours of alertness and 3/4 cups of GOOD coffee. That doesn't beat James' record for the number of cups of coffee drank in a time limit, but he's a professional. After this, came more sleeping, followed by a quick recap of what is dodgy and what is not before heading back to Seb's house. It was around the time school starts when we got there. I happened be staring out of the window in the living-room, and who do I see but Jessica. Been a while since I saw her. Was nasty. She was all pretty and not mine and it was rather hurtful. I keep telling myself that I am over her, convince myself successfully in some cases, but there is always SOMETHING that brings it all back. You'd think that if I still cared that much after a month of not being with OR seeing her and bearing in mind that we went out for a mere month and a week(ish), that perhaps there is something a little auspious in Jess's direction. Another thing is, I just so happened to tell her that I am over her, this is quite recently, and she says something like 'I thought I would be the one that would get over you first.' How am I meant to take that? If she is not over me or WASN'T at this time why would she tell me? Is this the same thing as with me where after a month, she is still not over me...blah, blah, blah, is this a sign that we split up prematurely? I mean, there was no real stimulus for the break up in the first place...well there could have been but I'm so great, or soppy, that I didn't let it fuck things up. We split for the simple and maybe over-used excuse that 'We are too different'. But SURELY if you find someone THAT different to you...there must be something...fun, that can arise from this. Two pieces of a puzzle will go together because they are completely different, in that the concave and convex shapes are compatible. Its hard to explain but surely you can see what I am getting at. I don't know why I say this, but maybe I long for the words to make Jess come back to me :( Maybe I will see her and be able to tell this stuff. But maybe she won't listen or WILL listen but not absorb it. Anyhow...I miss her like crazy and want her back.
Enough about that, the day progressed onward. Foremost, me and my good friend Seb sat down to an hour and a half(ish) of Aladdin. It was very pleasing to the both of us to witness the Dodgy Sultan performing his stoned gaze into eternity. Half way into the duration of the film, we both fell asleep. I woke with a start, just to see the credits rolling away. Everything was moving without us, while we were encapsulated in a black hole of dreams. I had quite an appifiny, like no other, when that happened as I have never before payed a great deal of attention to the change in the world around me when I am, essentially, suspended in time.
The day went on, after sleeping for a few more minutes. There were no real occurances of hilarity during the rest of the day, but instead I wandered around as if seeking an absolution. I was in a dazed state; I felt as though I had been very wrecked the night before and had just woken up. Contrary to what would be expected, I did not feel tiresome, however, I felt a great deal of fatigue and when the day was arriving its completion, I sat down and gazed blankly at the wall for a few hours. The TV was on, but the wall seemed more interesting than a shower of electrons hitting glass.
This has been my day, I verily hope that you have enjoyed it as much as I.
Sunday, June 08, 2003
Just a quick post to mention a very special girl, Louise...she is...nice...what else can I say? Um...a little help? She likes pancakes! That's one part that I particularly like about her ;) um....she...ooh, er...umm, I will mention her again when I get inspiration, I promise ;)
Post 3 - A look into a mystical and unchartered dimension of me. Yesterday, I came home from Herford. It was a great relief to escape from the seemingly endless noise of cars, stink of humans and their abominations and the sight of hundreds of simbient beings scurrying like a termites, living their everyday lives for the sole purpose of making money. Money: small pieces of pretty, shiny metal and the dried up remains of the pulp of flesh from a dead tree. Makes the world go round supposedly, that as well as making it STINK! Money is so CRAP....well not when you have it, but that's a different story. Its quite upsetting to see people wasting their lives away in persuit of money.
Been getting VERY good at skating recently. Better than Friday that is. Turns out, infact, that I am fucking ACE!! Just yesterday, I did a 900 spin in the air...that's 900 spins not degrees...your not buying this are you? Well, I HAVE been doing Fakie 180° kickflips. To those uneducated in the complex jargon and terminoglogy in skating , that is the art of spinning the board by one half revolution along the parellel so that the tail and nose switch positions, flipping the board around so that the griptape-side spins to face the floor then keeps spinning until back into the regular position, then landing on it. ALL the while, facing backward. Backward in the sense that you use the same feet i.e. left and right, for 'popping' and 'dragging' or 'flipping/heeling' but pop the nose and drag or flip toward the tail facing backward. Basically you face the same way as you would in the 'switch' position but use your normal feet. I'm telling this for the purpose of non-skaters but its confusing me! For more information e-mail me and I shall give you a personal tutorial. Typical candidates should be female, busty, nice ass. By the way, I'm not really going to give you any tutorials or demonstration (unless you ARE a 'fit chick') and only make e-mail hyperlinks to show off my brilliant skills in the manipulation of HTML to create a link.
I actually don't like 'busty' woman, and can't see why anyone really would. I mean, all they do is bounce and wobble around like saddle-bags and make woman look more dramatic when they run - Baywatch style. No, I prefer the more athletic size/shape; rounded, firm, proportional - a lot of females may be surprised to hear that many guys would share my tastes in breast size....moving on...I like eyes actually...yes..eyes are good. Eyes that you could fall into, litterally, into love through. Deep pools of love through which you can be taken to a place where your troubles just dissolve into nothing. I had that with a girl once, I would look into her eyes and see me with everything I wanted. Her eyes her so full, so..big, yet proportional to the rest of her face. Her iris's were so vibrant with colour, a nameless colour that could only be seen a few, rare times in one life-time. Sadly, I never had the chance to pursue her because she lived about 200 miles away and she had a boyfriend...plus, although completely unprecidently, she didn't return my feelings. She was a bitch though.
Just made some pancakes...in the time it took for you to go from the last paragraph to this. I luuuuuurve pancakes, they are best, I know that a particular girl reading this will agree with me ;) The problem with these pancakes is that they just stuck to the to bottom of the pan like glue! If it was going to do that, the sellers of the ingredients could have said what is was going to do - exactly, on the packaging e.g. tin. I don't think I added enough flour so the mix wasn't viscous enough. Pancakes are pretty damn good though! But what I want to know is who ever though of putting lemon on pancakes!?!?! The tastes are not good together at all! The juice cools the pancake down and makes it all sloppy so in the end it feels like you are eating a very flat placenta (thanks again for that, by the way, Charllote ;) ).
I seem to have run out of things to 'rant' about....my posts are too long anyway, you can make do with what I have given you. And you'll like it, nay, YOU'LL LOVE IT!!!
Been getting VERY good at skating recently. Better than Friday that is. Turns out, infact, that I am fucking ACE!! Just yesterday, I did a 900 spin in the air...that's 900 spins not degrees...your not buying this are you? Well, I HAVE been doing Fakie 180° kickflips. To those uneducated in the complex jargon and terminoglogy in skating , that is the art of spinning the board by one half revolution along the parellel so that the tail and nose switch positions, flipping the board around so that the griptape-side spins to face the floor then keeps spinning until back into the regular position, then landing on it. ALL the while, facing backward. Backward in the sense that you use the same feet i.e. left and right, for 'popping' and 'dragging' or 'flipping/heeling' but pop the nose and drag or flip toward the tail facing backward. Basically you face the same way as you would in the 'switch' position but use your normal feet. I'm telling this for the purpose of non-skaters but its confusing me! For more information e-mail me and I shall give you a personal tutorial. Typical candidates should be female, busty, nice ass. By the way, I'm not really going to give you any tutorials or demonstration (unless you ARE a 'fit chick') and only make e-mail hyperlinks to show off my brilliant skills in the manipulation of HTML to create a link.
I actually don't like 'busty' woman, and can't see why anyone really would. I mean, all they do is bounce and wobble around like saddle-bags and make woman look more dramatic when they run - Baywatch style. No, I prefer the more athletic size/shape; rounded, firm, proportional - a lot of females may be surprised to hear that many guys would share my tastes in breast size....moving on...I like eyes actually...yes..eyes are good. Eyes that you could fall into, litterally, into love through. Deep pools of love through which you can be taken to a place where your troubles just dissolve into nothing. I had that with a girl once, I would look into her eyes and see me with everything I wanted. Her eyes her so full, so..big, yet proportional to the rest of her face. Her iris's were so vibrant with colour, a nameless colour that could only be seen a few, rare times in one life-time. Sadly, I never had the chance to pursue her because she lived about 200 miles away and she had a boyfriend...plus, although completely unprecidently, she didn't return my feelings. She was a bitch though.
Just made some pancakes...in the time it took for you to go from the last paragraph to this. I luuuuuurve pancakes, they are best, I know that a particular girl reading this will agree with me ;) The problem with these pancakes is that they just stuck to the to bottom of the pan like glue! If it was going to do that, the sellers of the ingredients could have said what is was going to do - exactly, on the packaging e.g. tin. I don't think I added enough flour so the mix wasn't viscous enough. Pancakes are pretty damn good though! But what I want to know is who ever though of putting lemon on pancakes!?!?! The tastes are not good together at all! The juice cools the pancake down and makes it all sloppy so in the end it feels like you are eating a very flat placenta (thanks again for that, by the way, Charllote ;) ).
I seem to have run out of things to 'rant' about....my posts are too long anyway, you can make do with what I have given you. And you'll like it, nay, YOU'LL LOVE IT!!!
Saturday, June 07, 2003
Hellooo there everyone who has the pleasure of being curious (and perhaps insane) enough to visit my website to check for more madness! Hmmm...I'd better stop there before I make this sound interesting. I am sorry umpteen times over for not posting sooner and putting you out of your suspense. The reason I have made you all wait is for the very valid reason that a post/e-mail/message or any kind of communication is a vast drain on bodily resources, and receiving any of the aforementioned hallowed 'gifts' is a moment of such glory and privilage that it can only be distributed at a maximum limit due to the great feeling of popularity that comes as an integral part.
Today had to be one of the hottest days in a while, had a skate, an ice-cream, a skate...oops. Ice-creams always taste so much better when you feel like you are walking through the desert after your 20th day of walking under a scorching sun...WITH an V.annoyin person who never leaves a moment untainted with his broad display of arrogance. I did some good tricks today though, I managed to 'get the 180 kickflip down' - in skating jargon. Couple of times I fell of and I broke my limb, which hurt...broken limbs hurt much. But now that I am the greatest skater in the world - absolutely unfathomed - I no longer have the need to fall of due to gross incompitence. It is pretty nice these days, I can stroll along doing the odd ollie, the odd 180 kickflip, and people will stare at you and, being god, I can impress the old timers and young kids that look up to me in awe at my superior skating skills. Hmm...I love that everyone loves me. Old ladies sometimes stand there in the middle of the pavement and watch, as if offering their eternal homage at my skating (and ruling) ability. Even the dogs watch! They just stand there watching you :| expressionless robots...standing there, taking a piss on the tree watching my great...greatness. I shall be the greatest skater in the WORLD...once I get 'uncrap' enough to be called...the greatest...yes :s Anyway, I am going to leave you now, due to the reasons stated above, I don't want to inflate your egos too much.
Tell everyone about this website!!! Not that I need to with my level of excellence... :D
Today had to be one of the hottest days in a while, had a skate, an ice-cream, a skate...oops. Ice-creams always taste so much better when you feel like you are walking through the desert after your 20th day of walking under a scorching sun...WITH an V.annoyin person who never leaves a moment untainted with his broad display of arrogance. I did some good tricks today though, I managed to 'get the 180 kickflip down' - in skating jargon. Couple of times I fell of and I broke my limb, which hurt...broken limbs hurt much. But now that I am the greatest skater in the world - absolutely unfathomed - I no longer have the need to fall of due to gross incompitence. It is pretty nice these days, I can stroll along doing the odd ollie, the odd 180 kickflip, and people will stare at you and, being god, I can impress the old timers and young kids that look up to me in awe at my superior skating skills. Hmm...I love that everyone loves me. Old ladies sometimes stand there in the middle of the pavement and watch, as if offering their eternal homage at my skating (and ruling) ability. Even the dogs watch! They just stand there watching you :| expressionless robots...standing there, taking a piss on the tree watching my great...greatness. I shall be the greatest skater in the WORLD...once I get 'uncrap' enough to be called...the greatest...yes :s Anyway, I am going to leave you now, due to the reasons stated above, I don't want to inflate your egos too much.
Tell everyone about this website!!! Not that I need to with my level of excellence... :D
